It's Saturday!

It's time for an update! We had our first meeting with JT Olson of The Both Hands Foundation. We're getting pumped! Can't wait for our project this summer! 

Getting rid of some winter blues with this January thaw today. The chickens are so excited to be outside! The kids are on their bikes giggling and yelling. 

We're just waiting on another phone call from the agency so that we can share our profile with a birthmother. 

Happy Saturday folks! Make it a great one!! 

Just Be Held.

Well I missed my update yesterday so here's today's! We received a phone call Friday night from Tennessee. Both Hands has accepted our application. I'll be printing off the manual tomorrow and we'll be phone conferencing with the Executive Director later this week. We're excited at the aspect of helping out a local family in need. I pray the finances come in so we are able to bless her with comfort and rest her mind. Again, so very excited!!

This happened this morning in church: 

Church this morning was my life. It was about struggling, trials, stress, persecution and letting go. Trusting God and seeing the future. I try my best to do this and am most of the time successful but it's not easy. I try my best to hide my trials and stress from my children. As far as I know I've been pretty successful at it. The song below was our closing song. Lydia sat in church with us this morning instead of going to her class. Three lyrics (phrases) in I felt this body climb on to my lap, wrap her arms around me, tuck her head up against mine and she sang on key from memory the entire song into my ear. The way she positioned herself my face was buried in her neck and hair and I had no choice- I finally let go of some of those raw emotions holding me back. The tears started rolling down my face and a few sobs escaped my breath. She'd pull away study my face for second then tucked her head back in. She didn't stop singing and never once let go of her hold. When the song was over she pulled back turned around back to her seat as if nothing had happened. If only she knew her impact. I pray for your peace this week as we enter a new day.   

http://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ 

(I'm posting from an app on my iPhone so I can't change the hyperlink name. 🙂)

Off to bed they go. I'm following shortly. 

Grieving.

When your poor husband has mandatory overtime, it's been a crappy chronological year, and definitely a disastrous month, he leaves this for you because he foresees after being up most of the night with a sick 4 year old that today may also be another rough day and he's sad he can't be here to help us. He is my light and my love.  6 years ago today we were admitted to OSU to deliver Grace. God answered our prayers and she came the following day as today also happens to be someone very close to us- her birthday. I will never forget holding her and her wiggly arms, beautiful full lips, those beautiful long legs, little eyes complete with lashes, her hair at the base of her scalp, her fingers that latched on to ours. I can't and it's not fair that she died, in our arms. In light of recent events today really sucks usually I can push everything away and go through a typical day. Most of you know I'm a very optimistic person but today I can't find it and to be honest I don't want to. #anencephalysucks  and my heart still hurts as if it were today. Not seeking your sympathies and definitely don't want attention just grieving the best way I know how- writing. 

I know it's not one to complain but we've been through more than our fair share. And today I'll let you know what. Within the last 24 weeks or 6 months we said hello to the new life growing inside me. We were stricken with worry for twenty weeks that we would have another baby with Anencephaly. It's amazing how strong instinct is. 12 weeks we were given hopes that it wouldn't be coming back. Yet something was still nagging in my brain. 20 week scan and we were smacked in the face our baby girl had died 2 weeks earlier. There was a blank black hole where there should have been a flickering beautiful heart. Same night at the hospital I could swear I was still feeling her move around. I later learn these are phantom kicks or echoes of my digestive system bouncing off the amniotic sac. Who knew? Next morning she came fast and quick. No doctor present just a nurse. A sweet caring nurse who couldn't fathom how calm and collected we were. Honey this wasn't our first rodeo. The doctor showed up about twenty minutes later and the cord was cut. That's when we got more news- the back her skull was missing. Anencephaly. Again.  Wow. This is where I'm speechless. 

I'm thankful to God I truly feel in my own way he was protecting us from the devastation of being told we had a healthy pregnancy and then at full term finding the truth. 11/25/2015. We met and said our goodbyes for the second time in 6 years. 

So today. Why am I so bothered today? Six years ago today we met with a specialist and were checked in at OSU to say goodbye to our second daughter. Grace. Same Anencephaly. Same undeniable diagnosis.

I have three daughters but only one I can physically touch, kiss and hold. "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children I have because think of all the moms who don't." I'm already mourning their losses I feel for them as well. But I sure as hell want my four children sitting here with me right now. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I don't know what to say when you tell me sorry. I don't know how to accept your sympathies and condolences. Thank you doesn't seem right but I feel I need to acknowledge your feeling and thoughts as well. 

In the month of December we finally said yes for the first time to have our profile shown to a birth mother and were not selected. It stung. But I see now and I am so thankful we were not chosen because if you saw this little one's family today? He is perfectly placed with a beautiful family. 

January? It hasn't been so great. Little things. Little things adding up. I had to go back to work. Rob was in a car accident. My phone went swimming in a toilet. We received the hospital bill from Joanna's birth. My son has been throwing up so much last night I had to give him Zofran. And finally today 6 years ago I was preparing to say goodbye. Grace should be six. She should be in the first grade. She should be giving her father and me sass. She should flitting around with her older sister and younger brother. 

Call me selfish today for tomorrow is a new day and I will be humble. Out of the ashes comes beauty and it will rise. 

We will continue to wait because that's what we do. I can't wait to see the beauty from all this darkness. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. It may be that Rob had just upgraded our car insurance a week before his accident to full coverage. It may be that our Aflac plan covered our hospital bill and left us with $2 to spare. It may be that I happened to have an upgrade available at the time my phone took a dunk. It may be that we should be satisfied with our two miracle kids. It may be that we have enough money to provide food, shelter and clothing for us. It may just be.  

Unexpected

Back in business. My hopes are to update every Saturday. Now seems to be a good time. The house is clean. The laundry is spinning. The dishwasher is? Well for lack of better words... washing.

I feel.

I feel like a mom on that reality show that was on a while ago? Named... "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  Oooo I know you watched it! I know it was your guilty pleasure in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep and weird TLC shows called your name. I know you watched it! I still laugh at the thought then it dawned on me today.

That's us.

That's us as adopting waiting mothers and fathers.

We don't know we're pregnant then we get this phone call out of the blue... AND BAM! PREGNANT!!! We're given information that we can only share with our spouses, agency and a Pediatrician. So we are technically in our first trimester at this point. We have a secret but it's not to share. Yet.

So here we are. We have to make a choice. Together. Just the two of us. Do we consent to having our profile shown to the birthmother or not?

YES!

The jitters take over.
The anxiety takes over.
The blessing you have been waiting for is so close you could nearly reach out and touch him or her.

BAM! less than 24 hours later we're there. We're flown into the second trimester. Here again do we share? Ask for prayers? Do we keep it a surprise? Again it's all up to the waiting mother and the waiting father. So we wait. Waiting can be hours, days or sometimes weeks and months.

We wait. It's what we do. If they offered degrees in "Waiting", adoptive parents would have their Doctorates. (It's a highly sought out degree.)

In our heads as waiting families we wonder and plan 24/7.
Clothes? Bed? Car seat? DO we have it all ready?

Bottles, formula, breastmilk?

Should I call the milk bank?

What about insurance?

Birthmom. Is there anything we can do for her? Are we going to meet her? Oh Lordy be?! Will she like my hair. I have tattoos. Hubby. He has them too. DO you think she'll care? Hubs has a scruffy beard. Hmm I love the scruffy beard. Wait. What if she doesn't? Oh my what if, what if, WHAT IF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Call the agency and ask? No that's silly a decision hasn't been made so we wait. We'll bank and ask that question for later. (*We know. We won't change. Just anxiety drama here rearing it's ugly head.)

Finances. ACK!

Ooo dog gone! I really wished we would have applied for that grant last month. Oh no. We're being prayed for. We're praying. We trust our Lord. It will work out. Together we have an amazing support system who can move mountains. We see it. We feel it. We love it.

See waiting mother here?! I ramble!

We get ANOTHER phone call.

In our experience? Loss.

Birthmother has picked another family. We have a choice. In our family we think from the other family's point of view. We would want people to be happy and excited for us!!! We don't know how long that family has been waiting or their circumstances. We don't know why we weren't chosen but we know through God's grace that our wait is worth the wait. He will provide and when that time comes, it will be indescribable and there will be other families that will be let down.

We call a few days later and ask out of curiosity why we weren't chosen and we're given a very kind answer and move on. God works in amazing ways. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am for the families birthmothers choose. Oh my heart just sings with joy! It's so beautiful and wonderful and yes at the same time I'm disappointed but the joy I feel for those families is overwhelming and makes the disappointment disappear.


Other scenario: We're in second trimester. Birthmother selects us. Oh my Lord. That's it. I can't speak from experience so I won't but please, use your imagination!

I do.

All the time.

We waiting mothers are a prime example of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?


Happy Saturday all! I pray you have peace and contentment as we say goodbye to the first full week of January and enter a new.

❤️
The Stokes.