Grieving.

When your poor husband has mandatory overtime, it's been a crappy chronological year, and definitely a disastrous month, he leaves this for you because he foresees after being up most of the night with a sick 4 year old that today may also be another rough day and he's sad he can't be here to help us. He is my light and my love.  6 years ago today we were admitted to OSU to deliver Grace. God answered our prayers and she came the following day as today also happens to be someone very close to us- her birthday. I will never forget holding her and her wiggly arms, beautiful full lips, those beautiful long legs, little eyes complete with lashes, her hair at the base of her scalp, her fingers that latched on to ours. I can't and it's not fair that she died, in our arms. In light of recent events today really sucks usually I can push everything away and go through a typical day. Most of you know I'm a very optimistic person but today I can't find it and to be honest I don't want to. #anencephalysucks  and my heart still hurts as if it were today. Not seeking your sympathies and definitely don't want attention just grieving the best way I know how- writing. 

I know it's not one to complain but we've been through more than our fair share. And today I'll let you know what. Within the last 24 weeks or 6 months we said hello to the new life growing inside me. We were stricken with worry for twenty weeks that we would have another baby with Anencephaly. It's amazing how strong instinct is. 12 weeks we were given hopes that it wouldn't be coming back. Yet something was still nagging in my brain. 20 week scan and we were smacked in the face our baby girl had died 2 weeks earlier. There was a blank black hole where there should have been a flickering beautiful heart. Same night at the hospital I could swear I was still feeling her move around. I later learn these are phantom kicks or echoes of my digestive system bouncing off the amniotic sac. Who knew? Next morning she came fast and quick. No doctor present just a nurse. A sweet caring nurse who couldn't fathom how calm and collected we were. Honey this wasn't our first rodeo. The doctor showed up about twenty minutes later and the cord was cut. That's when we got more news- the back her skull was missing. Anencephaly. Again.  Wow. This is where I'm speechless. 

I'm thankful to God I truly feel in my own way he was protecting us from the devastation of being told we had a healthy pregnancy and then at full term finding the truth. 11/25/2015. We met and said our goodbyes for the second time in 6 years. 

So today. Why am I so bothered today? Six years ago today we met with a specialist and were checked in at OSU to say goodbye to our second daughter. Grace. Same Anencephaly. Same undeniable diagnosis.

I have three daughters but only one I can physically touch, kiss and hold. "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children I have because think of all the moms who don't." I'm already mourning their losses I feel for them as well. But I sure as hell want my four children sitting here with me right now. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I don't know what to say when you tell me sorry. I don't know how to accept your sympathies and condolences. Thank you doesn't seem right but I feel I need to acknowledge your feeling and thoughts as well. 

In the month of December we finally said yes for the first time to have our profile shown to a birth mother and were not selected. It stung. But I see now and I am so thankful we were not chosen because if you saw this little one's family today? He is perfectly placed with a beautiful family. 

January? It hasn't been so great. Little things. Little things adding up. I had to go back to work. Rob was in a car accident. My phone went swimming in a toilet. We received the hospital bill from Joanna's birth. My son has been throwing up so much last night I had to give him Zofran. And finally today 6 years ago I was preparing to say goodbye. Grace should be six. She should be in the first grade. She should be giving her father and me sass. She should flitting around with her older sister and younger brother. 

Call me selfish today for tomorrow is a new day and I will be humble. Out of the ashes comes beauty and it will rise. 

We will continue to wait because that's what we do. I can't wait to see the beauty from all this darkness. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. It may be that Rob had just upgraded our car insurance a week before his accident to full coverage. It may be that our Aflac plan covered our hospital bill and left us with $2 to spare. It may be that I happened to have an upgrade available at the time my phone took a dunk. It may be that we should be satisfied with our two miracle kids. It may be that we have enough money to provide food, shelter and clothing for us. It may just be.