Waiting. (Insert angry face)

Wasn't planning on posting tonight but when it's 1:07a and your heart is heavy... This is what I do. 

It's been pretty quiet here lately. We did have another situation arise but we had to decline. The cost was far beyond our means. 

Meanwhile we wait. Every single day feels like Christmas or the night before your birthday or the last day of school. Then the following day goes by and it's like your sick and had to reschedule or cancelled the party. Then it all starts over again. I can't tell you how often I pray for a phone call or email. Not even a yes just a hey we've got something for you... 

It's hard. I don't know how to explain it but it's hard. I wonder a lot what God's thinking. What his plans are. Then I relax a bit and take a seat. Then I realize how old I am and how many children we discussed having by this age.

 Me. Me. Me. It's not about me. It's about Him. 

This is His assignment for us. We're just waiting for the next part of the syllabus.

I'm growing more and more impatient as the days pass. I could use some advice as to change my heart. I've even asked for signs but I must be missing them as I've seen nothing.

It's about time to start thinking about renewing our homestudy as it expires in January. 

I'm also starting to work on our Both Hands template letter. 

Idle hands...

Love you all. This might not make much sense in the morning but at least I got a few things out of my mind so I can get some rest. 

Hello!

We reached summer vacation back before Memorial Day! We've since gone on vacation to Florida, Louisiana, and Texas. We got to spend some amazing time with my parents and Rob's brother and sister-in-law. 

Now that we're back I'll update you all. 

While in Florida we applied to and were accepted to Christian Adoption Consultants. We're working with a wonderful consultant names Leah Braly. They will help us by significantly speeding up the matching process because of their amazing networking abilities. Problem. By joining this firm our cost for adoption has gone up from $10,000 to $25,000+. We currently have saved up $8,000 after having spent $2,300 to Christian Adoption Consultants. New agencies in their network will cost application fees as well but happily many have waived the fee because we are clients of Christian Adoption Consultants. 

That being said this weekend we raised $423.39 completing a yard sale! We have yet to get going on the Both Hands project. We are getting behind but we have been busy. We had to replace the carpeting in our living room with Pergo flooring. Then we had to do some much needed chores inside and outside of the house. We've updated our adoption profile book and have decided to change companies so that we have a digital copy to send out. So many projects so little time remaining as I go back to work August 15th and the kids go back to school August 17th.

Rob and I are also trying to enjoy moments together as a family. At the Yard sale Jackson was very verbal in sharing our adoption information with everyone who visited. He was such a great help! Lydia was a seller, just like her Daddy. 

Thank you all for coming out this weekend! Hope to see you again in the future!

God Bless- 

Update

It's been about a month since I last posted. We barely met our goal with our tshirt sale. Shirts are in the mail and we're working to get a tax ID number so that we can receive the near $100 we made!! So exciting! 

We've also opened an official bank account through WesBanco called "Stokes Adoption Fund". 

Together we raised $256 dollars to add to the growing amount.  

With spring quickly approaching we're beginning to take a much closer look at our Both Hands Mission project. We're searching for a Dayton area widow who needs some help around and outside of the house. If you know of anyone, please send us an email at stokesrelgj@gmail.com. 

Thanks!! ❤️

T-shirt time!!!

We're selling t-shirts! Check out our link:

https://www.bonfirefunds.com/the-stokes-adoption 

Thanks so much! Like, sell, share!! ❤️

 Phil4:6 don't worry about anything, but instead pray about everything: tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers.

Chores and more Chores

It's Saturday morning! This morning we slept in to a healthy 6:45. Did I mention my babes typically sleep in until 9?! 

All is quiet on the home front. Just doing the Saturday chores biding our time until Dad gets home from work. Then a shopping trip is in order- the grocery. A very relaxed and laid back weekend, just the way I like it! 

Pity Party for 1.

I've just been rockin' the baby fever here lately. I know the cure but it's not our turn. Yet. Waiting is hard especially in the day and age when everything is so instant and past paced. Another kicker? We received formula samples in the mail this week. Originally meant for Joanna. I miss being pregnant with all the little kicks and hick ups. Everything is so scary. I miss the days of my first pregnancy when I was naïve and everything was perfect. Nothing has been the same since. Even adoption is extremely stressful. I had a feeling we'd be matched by now and have our perfect little bit in our arms by now and Joanna would be due in a month and a half. Sigh. I guess this has turned into more of a pity party post which I don't want it to be. 

So I find myself reminding myself: 

Excerpt from my devotional February 1st "Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence" by Sarah Young. Thank you so much to a friend who shared this with me at work. I went out and bought the devotional for a friend and myself the very same day. Everyday has spoken to me. It's been a real blessing. 

Partial notes from let week's sermon.  I'm learning new and new. I pray God has sent us angels and they are helping us and watching over those in need tonight. ❤️

Money. I hate it.

It stings, it's harsh and there's no way to take it back once it's been said. "So if you don't have any money for yourselves then why are you adopting?"

My husband has been the one having to field this question. More than once. Some mean it to be mean and others are curious. 

We love children. We love our kids and have always wanted a large family. We as you've read and experienced in recent events aren't able to make that happen. God is still guiding us to adopt. Our hearts and family still feel very much incomplete. 

Since it's full disclosure. We have money. We have money for ourselves. Our bills are paid. There's plenty of food on the table. My children want for nothing. 

But we still struggle. We can't do or get everything that we want. No matter how strong the need or want is. 

It's frustrating that we can't just run out and buy Rob a car when his was totaled last month. We struggle with the fact that we can't just write a check for the adoption should it occur tomorrow. So we're working a budget. Dave Ramsey. We're putting away all we can so we can make these two things happen. My husband is working 6 days a week- 10 hour shifts to help. We miss him more than words and he struggles with will it ever be enough? 

Our debts are: our mortgage, a car payment and one credit card that has a balance of $535. When the tax refund arrives the credit card balance will be paid, the gas for our trip and groceries/restaurant bills will be set aside* and what's left will go towards the adoption fund and a car. (*see below)

God has always given us what we need.  

*Yes we're going to Flordia this summer and will be spending one day at Disney. We have a timeshare. It's costing us $500 for 7 day vacation. We received tickets to Disney as a Christmas present. We're being frugal on our trip. Our goal is to eat out twice during the entire trip not including the day at Disney. Disney's meals are paid for- again we received gift cards for Christmas. We plan on utilizing the resort's amenities that are free being that we are owners. Our condo has an oven, stove and microwave. 

Why am I explaining this to you? Because I know we will be judged. Our timeshare will cost us the same money whether we use it or not. 

So why are we adopting? Because we have an ache in our hearts that longs to be filled. We're obeying God's word. We love family.

It'll be ok.  

The wait will be worth it. 

The struggle will be forgotten. 

Our hearts will be filled. 

And would we do it again? Yes. Without a second thought. Yes. 

Up and at'em

We are wide awake this morning! 6a for me and my buddy shuffled down the steps at 6:30. In that 30 minutes I've managed to get the bathroom and back hall picked up as well as started a load of laundry. I love the feeling of a clean house! 

This evening we're going to attempt to leave the kids with a babysitter other than family. The kids are old enough now and aren't requiring any medications that aren't simple to administer so we're going to give it a whirl. The kids of course are excited! We are too. Just hoping my picks are still available as I hadn't made up my mind until this morning. 

We've decided to set a date for late June/early July to complete our Both Hands project. So hopefully planning won't be that stressful. 

Have a great Saturday!

It's Saturday!

It's time for an update! We had our first meeting with JT Olson of The Both Hands Foundation. We're getting pumped! Can't wait for our project this summer! 

Getting rid of some winter blues with this January thaw today. The chickens are so excited to be outside! The kids are on their bikes giggling and yelling. 

We're just waiting on another phone call from the agency so that we can share our profile with a birthmother. 

Happy Saturday folks! Make it a great one!! 

Just Be Held.

Well I missed my update yesterday so here's today's! We received a phone call Friday night from Tennessee. Both Hands has accepted our application. I'll be printing off the manual tomorrow and we'll be phone conferencing with the Executive Director later this week. We're excited at the aspect of helping out a local family in need. I pray the finances come in so we are able to bless her with comfort and rest her mind. Again, so very excited!!

This happened this morning in church: 

Church this morning was my life. It was about struggling, trials, stress, persecution and letting go. Trusting God and seeing the future. I try my best to do this and am most of the time successful but it's not easy. I try my best to hide my trials and stress from my children. As far as I know I've been pretty successful at it. The song below was our closing song. Lydia sat in church with us this morning instead of going to her class. Three lyrics (phrases) in I felt this body climb on to my lap, wrap her arms around me, tuck her head up against mine and she sang on key from memory the entire song into my ear. The way she positioned herself my face was buried in her neck and hair and I had no choice- I finally let go of some of those raw emotions holding me back. The tears started rolling down my face and a few sobs escaped my breath. She'd pull away study my face for second then tucked her head back in. She didn't stop singing and never once let go of her hold. When the song was over she pulled back turned around back to her seat as if nothing had happened. If only she knew her impact. I pray for your peace this week as we enter a new day.   

http://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ 

(I'm posting from an app on my iPhone so I can't change the hyperlink name. 🙂)

Off to bed they go. I'm following shortly. 

Grieving.

When your poor husband has mandatory overtime, it's been a crappy chronological year, and definitely a disastrous month, he leaves this for you because he foresees after being up most of the night with a sick 4 year old that today may also be another rough day and he's sad he can't be here to help us. He is my light and my love.  6 years ago today we were admitted to OSU to deliver Grace. God answered our prayers and she came the following day as today also happens to be someone very close to us- her birthday. I will never forget holding her and her wiggly arms, beautiful full lips, those beautiful long legs, little eyes complete with lashes, her hair at the base of her scalp, her fingers that latched on to ours. I can't and it's not fair that she died, in our arms. In light of recent events today really sucks usually I can push everything away and go through a typical day. Most of you know I'm a very optimistic person but today I can't find it and to be honest I don't want to. #anencephalysucks  and my heart still hurts as if it were today. Not seeking your sympathies and definitely don't want attention just grieving the best way I know how- writing. 

I know it's not one to complain but we've been through more than our fair share. And today I'll let you know what. Within the last 24 weeks or 6 months we said hello to the new life growing inside me. We were stricken with worry for twenty weeks that we would have another baby with Anencephaly. It's amazing how strong instinct is. 12 weeks we were given hopes that it wouldn't be coming back. Yet something was still nagging in my brain. 20 week scan and we were smacked in the face our baby girl had died 2 weeks earlier. There was a blank black hole where there should have been a flickering beautiful heart. Same night at the hospital I could swear I was still feeling her move around. I later learn these are phantom kicks or echoes of my digestive system bouncing off the amniotic sac. Who knew? Next morning she came fast and quick. No doctor present just a nurse. A sweet caring nurse who couldn't fathom how calm and collected we were. Honey this wasn't our first rodeo. The doctor showed up about twenty minutes later and the cord was cut. That's when we got more news- the back her skull was missing. Anencephaly. Again.  Wow. This is where I'm speechless. 

I'm thankful to God I truly feel in my own way he was protecting us from the devastation of being told we had a healthy pregnancy and then at full term finding the truth. 11/25/2015. We met and said our goodbyes for the second time in 6 years. 

So today. Why am I so bothered today? Six years ago today we met with a specialist and were checked in at OSU to say goodbye to our second daughter. Grace. Same Anencephaly. Same undeniable diagnosis.

I have three daughters but only one I can physically touch, kiss and hold. "Please don't tell me to be thankful for the children I have because think of all the moms who don't." I'm already mourning their losses I feel for them as well. But I sure as hell want my four children sitting here with me right now. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I don't know what to say when you tell me sorry. I don't know how to accept your sympathies and condolences. Thank you doesn't seem right but I feel I need to acknowledge your feeling and thoughts as well. 

In the month of December we finally said yes for the first time to have our profile shown to a birth mother and were not selected. It stung. But I see now and I am so thankful we were not chosen because if you saw this little one's family today? He is perfectly placed with a beautiful family. 

January? It hasn't been so great. Little things. Little things adding up. I had to go back to work. Rob was in a car accident. My phone went swimming in a toilet. We received the hospital bill from Joanna's birth. My son has been throwing up so much last night I had to give him Zofran. And finally today 6 years ago I was preparing to say goodbye. Grace should be six. She should be in the first grade. She should be giving her father and me sass. She should flitting around with her older sister and younger brother. 

Call me selfish today for tomorrow is a new day and I will be humble. Out of the ashes comes beauty and it will rise. 

We will continue to wait because that's what we do. I can't wait to see the beauty from all this darkness. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. It may be that Rob had just upgraded our car insurance a week before his accident to full coverage. It may be that our Aflac plan covered our hospital bill and left us with $2 to spare. It may be that I happened to have an upgrade available at the time my phone took a dunk. It may be that we should be satisfied with our two miracle kids. It may be that we have enough money to provide food, shelter and clothing for us. It may just be.  

Unexpected

Back in business. My hopes are to update every Saturday. Now seems to be a good time. The house is clean. The laundry is spinning. The dishwasher is? Well for lack of better words... washing.

I feel.

I feel like a mom on that reality show that was on a while ago? Named... "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  Oooo I know you watched it! I know it was your guilty pleasure in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep and weird TLC shows called your name. I know you watched it! I still laugh at the thought then it dawned on me today.

That's us.

That's us as adopting waiting mothers and fathers.

We don't know we're pregnant then we get this phone call out of the blue... AND BAM! PREGNANT!!! We're given information that we can only share with our spouses, agency and a Pediatrician. So we are technically in our first trimester at this point. We have a secret but it's not to share. Yet.

So here we are. We have to make a choice. Together. Just the two of us. Do we consent to having our profile shown to the birthmother or not?

YES!

The jitters take over.
The anxiety takes over.
The blessing you have been waiting for is so close you could nearly reach out and touch him or her.

BAM! less than 24 hours later we're there. We're flown into the second trimester. Here again do we share? Ask for prayers? Do we keep it a surprise? Again it's all up to the waiting mother and the waiting father. So we wait. Waiting can be hours, days or sometimes weeks and months.

We wait. It's what we do. If they offered degrees in "Waiting", adoptive parents would have their Doctorates. (It's a highly sought out degree.)

In our heads as waiting families we wonder and plan 24/7.
Clothes? Bed? Car seat? DO we have it all ready?

Bottles, formula, breastmilk?

Should I call the milk bank?

What about insurance?

Birthmom. Is there anything we can do for her? Are we going to meet her? Oh Lordy be?! Will she like my hair. I have tattoos. Hubby. He has them too. DO you think she'll care? Hubs has a scruffy beard. Hmm I love the scruffy beard. Wait. What if she doesn't? Oh my what if, what if, WHAT IF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Call the agency and ask? No that's silly a decision hasn't been made so we wait. We'll bank and ask that question for later. (*We know. We won't change. Just anxiety drama here rearing it's ugly head.)

Finances. ACK!

Ooo dog gone! I really wished we would have applied for that grant last month. Oh no. We're being prayed for. We're praying. We trust our Lord. It will work out. Together we have an amazing support system who can move mountains. We see it. We feel it. We love it.

See waiting mother here?! I ramble!

We get ANOTHER phone call.

In our experience? Loss.

Birthmother has picked another family. We have a choice. In our family we think from the other family's point of view. We would want people to be happy and excited for us!!! We don't know how long that family has been waiting or their circumstances. We don't know why we weren't chosen but we know through God's grace that our wait is worth the wait. He will provide and when that time comes, it will be indescribable and there will be other families that will be let down.

We call a few days later and ask out of curiosity why we weren't chosen and we're given a very kind answer and move on. God works in amazing ways. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am for the families birthmothers choose. Oh my heart just sings with joy! It's so beautiful and wonderful and yes at the same time I'm disappointed but the joy I feel for those families is overwhelming and makes the disappointment disappear.


Other scenario: We're in second trimester. Birthmother selects us. Oh my Lord. That's it. I can't speak from experience so I won't but please, use your imagination!

I do.

All the time.

We waiting mothers are a prime example of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?


Happy Saturday all! I pray you have peace and contentment as we say goodbye to the first full week of January and enter a new.

❤️
The Stokes.